The Big Breakup 💔

Jimmy,

We tried to work things out. We really did.

I remember when we first got hitched, it seemed like a dream. People wrote full-blown think pieces about our relationship and how we were meant to be…

One company even created an entire campaign about how the youths can be successful entrepreneurs by selling online… but now you’ve given up on me before we ever had a chance.

I know you were trying to keep this on the down-low because you’re really concerned about your image. I wouldn’t want to drag you through some very public breakup like that one awkward podcaster who cheated on her husband with Drake.

I know it now; we just weren’t compatible. Maybe it’s because shipping chocolate through the mail is hard in a world that’s becoming an easy bake oven? Maybe it’s because attention-hacking children and convincing them to buy burgers and chocolate isn’t great for the world, generally speaking?

Or maybe it’s because your chocolate isn’t actually good? Or because you got sued for violating the copyright of the phrase “deez nuts”— which is like, actually, super embarrassing for both of us.

Whatever the reason, it’s in the past. We’ll always be friends. I hope you’re happy with Target and Walmart. I mean, you look happy(...ish, I can never tell because your eyes usually look dead in pictures, and your smile is creepy and fake).

Yours forever,

— eCommerce

P.S. Random fact—“Acme's Buttocks Smear” is an anagram for “MrBeast sucks at eCom” and I just thought you should know that.

‍P.P.S. If anyone knows the specifics behind the Feastable brand’s divorce from eCommerce (or why they still run their site on Shopify), message us on Signal @ 5612212176.